That Time I Miscarried, And the Lessons to be Learned

It’s been a long week. Many tears. Many. Many. Many.   On Monday this week, I passed a miscarried baby. It was the most unexpected emotional event I’ve had in quite some time.

I felt so guilty. I felt so alone. I felt so humbled.

Not everyone gets to miscarry a baby and see the whole thing. The little babe came out complete in his little amniotic sac. I found the bravery to open the sac thanks to google. Inside there was a tiny little body. Little hands. Little legs. Little black spots for eyes. A forming face. A spine.

I hadn’t wanted to be pregnant. I had struggled for weeks, wondering how I would tell the world, when I didn’t feel ready to tell the world. In the shower, I had cried and cried feeling betrayed to “have” to carry this baby.

Then here he was, in my hands.  And I wasn’t taken aback by his lifelessness. I was taken aback by his life.

That little one, didn’t matter what I thought, was just doing what he could do. Just going right along, forming there, despite my feelings.

And I felt so guilty. I felt so alone. I felt so humbled.

I told that little one I was sorry. I prayed to God to forgive my selfishness. I took the moment in as far as I could. Because what I didn’t realize in those tears I cried in the shower, was the loss I would feel once he was gone.

And it’s okay. Now that its over.

Well, no it’s not. Today my midwife sent me vitamins to help regain strength during this healing time. And I cried again.  I didn’t think I would, but it just came again. Because I was affected. Because it is a loss. And it’s okay to recognize it as such.

But it is okay. Because through the hard times, we realize our hearts. We allow those things to shape us. And I think of the little one who I never took the time to look forward to, and I know that next time around…if I’m blessed with a next time around…I’ll take in those beginning moments a little bit more.  And be a little more grateful for things out of my control. And love the moment.

Remind me, to love the moment.

Here’s to Imperfection

I’m always waiting for the perfect setting to begin writing again. It usually has something to do with a warm cup of coffee, sleeping children, and inspiration flowing through my mind and fingers. As it turns out, I rarely have any of these things. Or rather, I have them, just sporadically through out my day and night. Never at the same time.

But lately I’ve been working and praying towards training myself to not need to have the perfect conditions for life, but rather utilizing the time I do have. This morning, I’ve been up early, the littles have meandered down the stairs slowly, and are happily eating their breakfast, playing with puppies, and watching cartoons before the day really begins. My coffee might be cold, and the littles awake, and nothing is really urgently on my mind to get out, but I’m going to take what I can get.

So here’s to renewed goals of imperfection. To not expecting life to provide me the most ideal situations. To happily accepting what is what it is.  And to my cold cup of coffee.  Thank God for abilities to reheat.

Merry Christmas’d

christmasd_4Let’s suffice it to say that Christmas was a successful event. So successful we took yesterday off as “Christmas’d” day.

A kitchen set was assembled. A doll house put together. Lego pieces became a cafe, records were enjoyed, Yo Gabba Gabba was watched.

christmasd_16As wonderful as it was to run from home to home eating and laughing and playing games with our families, there was something so great about our own Christmas’d day. A moment to breathe. Together. As our little family.

christmasd_15Today we’ll shower, bathe, and begin the great transition of Christmas toys and spoils from under the tree to their proper homes.

But until that moment comes. I’ll relish in watching my littles messy christmas’d mops of hair run from toy to toy this early morning. And even though our exhausted bodies still feel a bit Christmas’d. It’s the moments like this that I savor.christmas'd

DPP–The Post Where I tell you to Hold Your Babies (Again)

vscocam416Sometimes I get this feeling that my blogging experience is becoming a one string guitar. “Hey everyone, hold your babies!” “Don’t forget to hold your babies when you’re busy!” “Keep your littles close! Don’t forget the moments!”  Then yesterday happens. And I don’t regret any piece of it.

Yesterday I avoided most social media as the flooding of tragedy and fear filled the screens. A Mamma’s heart can only handle so much so it was best I just sat back and turned off devices, and hugged my small ones a little tighter.

As night fell and a certain 9 month old decided that the night was young, I let my mind begin to wander. I read the news reports. I read the political drama that was ensuing. I saw the pictures of weeping families.

And I looked at my baby.

Realities hit deep when there is tragedy.  There is no guarantee that today when we go to the library for a cookie exchange a gunman won’t open fire on the unsuspecting crowd because he just HATES cookies.  There’s no guarantee today that a bus won’t cream us we walk through the parking lot. There’s no guarantee today that those who are alive and well today will be alive and well tomorrow.

So I joined that masses of mamma’s that hugged their babies closer. I looked deeper into their eyes, I breathed in their little one smells and watched them sleep.  Our days are a gift, and oh, the hopes that heaven brings.unknown

 

DPP-December Baby

december babyAs a kid, I remember feeling like December hung on forever. Christmas would never come and there was no amount of holiday cheer, carols, or cookies that could make Christmas arrive faster.

Now I’m an adult.

Now, I begin to brace myself come September,begin to plan in October, small executions in November, and in December? I hang on for dear life. Is it seriously the 12th already? And that’s less then 2 weeks from Christmas?! What in the world happened to all my bracing, planning, executing in the previous months?! nothing obviously.

Just a couple of weeks before Christmas, and a dog sled race only 3 weeks after that. HOLD ON, THIS IS GONNA BE CRAY CRAY.

Which is why I attempt to take a photo every day in December. Because these moments are so easily forgotten as the busyness of holiday cheer grabs a hold and shoves cookies down our throats. I need to remember to stop. To take the picture. To know that holding my sleeping baby in the crook of my neck is what this all about. These are the moments that are really worth remembering. And they’re the reason we find ourselves so into holiday cheer anyway.

DPP-Cookies at Grandmas

On December 7th the magic of Christmas began to appear from our sicky sick babies. Cookie decorating, christmas carols, and a tree to be decorated…all at grandma’s house.

 

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DPP-Our week

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I have these romantic plans that December is full of giant snowflakes, mess-less craft projects, cookies always baking, and the magic of Christmas lights twinkling.

Sometimes, reality sets in. And the beginning of December is filled with sniffles, coughs, and many needed naps. That’s been our whole week.

And the friends in the photo above have been on the team to help us out.  First up, we have mamma’s go-to, Garlic syrup. This tasty treat of garlic, apple cider vinegar, and honey has helped to give me the title of “Medicine monster” around these parts. Poor babies.

Next up, is the Ibprofen who helped out a couple of nights to relax the coughing muscles before our friend Lobelia stopped by.

Lobelia tincture has become the heavy hitter here. Stopping coughs with just a little less then a teaspoonful. Thank God for Lobelia.

I don’t have anything else to say. I’m going to go blow my nose.